Strength to the Weary

It is amazing how much my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) of Isaiah has been so applicable and so needed right now in Spencer and I's life. Each week the verses that we study give me encouragement and strength to carry on and comfort to face a new day.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

All we need is faith and to trust that God will see us through anything. He is bigger than all things, bigger than the trials or problems we face. He is bigger because he is in control of all things - he knows how many hairs we have on our heads, he knew us before we were formed in the womb. So why do we doubt or second guess God when he is the same yesterday, today and forever? The same God that comforted His people in the book of Isaiah is the same God that comforts you and me today.

Spencer and I have had a rough week the past week or so for a few reasons. When we came back from Colorado, I was extremely sick with a stomach bug. I mean we're talking no eating or drinking because it wouldn't stay down. Being sick actually turned into being a blessing because I was still sick on Tuesday, the 25th, the 6-month anniversary of the boys. I was so sick I couldn't even concentrate - I slept all day so I didn't have to think about the boys. Don't get me wrong, Tuesday and that week was still very emotional. I remember thinking, "Where did the time go?" I have friends with 5 and 6 month old babies and all I have is an anniversary. That's the hardest part. People move on. You have to move on, but you never forget. Every time I see a double stroller, hear twins, hear boys, the 25th, and there are others, my mind goes straight to my boys.

That week, we also shared with a small group of people that I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant. But that Thursday, something didn't seem to be quite right. I called my doctor Friday morning and they wanted me to come in to check things out. At the appointment, we found out I had miscarried at 10 weeks 5 days. It was such a surreal moment. Spencer and I both said it was like we weren't surprised when they couldn't find the heartbeat. Not that because we were expecting it or being pessimistic, but because that is what we have known. My first emotion was that of extreme anger. Why was this happening to us? Why to a stable married couple and not an unwed teenager? Not that we were placing value on a life but we were just trying in our small minds trying to comprehend the situation. We were devastated and still are so sad. Three babies are in heaven. It seems unreal.  Spencer and I want children so bad and we are so ready for them. I know we already do have children but you know what I mean. Spencer and I have just have to keep faith that God will give us the desires of our hearts.

I can say this...after experiencing what we did with the boys, it made the miscarriage so much easier to handle. With the boys, they were 100% completely healthy babies. With this baby, I believe it was "sick" from the beginning. At my first doctor's appointment, I was supposed to be 8 weeks, but instead was measuring 7 weeks. The doctor said I could have had a longer cycle. Last Friday the 28th, instead of measuring almost 11 weeks, the baby was measuring a small 9 weeks. On Tuesday, the 25th, the doctor had found a heartbeat so the baby was alive just a few days before. I believe God knew this baby would have struggled should it continue on and that is the last thing I would have wanted for our little baby.

I ended up having a D&C Sunday morning early. We had to go into the ER Saturday night because of side effects of the miscarriage and the decision was made because of the strong side effects I was having, they didn't want to wait until the scheduled time on Monday. In reality, I was glad to bump it up. I can't even  begin to explain all of the emotions you go through.

So through Isaiah and Spencer and I's past 6 months, we can stand assuredly in our faith and know that God is grieving with us and that God does have a plan for our lives.

Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. Lamentations 3: 22-24